i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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