Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
