omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
