i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
