I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
