And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
