That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
