i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
