We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
