see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
where am i from again
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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