Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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