Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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