but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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