The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
