Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Please, let me fuck your mom
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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