so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
