You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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