First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
