Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
