I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize