I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
