I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
cat food counts as protein by the way
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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