What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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