What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
