I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
