i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize