Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
