Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
