I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
