Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
