I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
