my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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