I'm gonna have a badass scar
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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