PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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