I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
