I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
