I wish I could punch you in the face.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize