ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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