I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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