We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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