how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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