I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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