I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm sobbing to NWA
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
