Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize