the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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