I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
