Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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