Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Someone shattered a urinal.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
