Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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