there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize