Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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