and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Naked Twister starts at high noon
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
