Tell her she can't have a vagina
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
