At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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