I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
