You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize