can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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