i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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