I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
