The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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