Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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