i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
