I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize