So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
