True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
time to smoke my breakfast
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize